Love is not the answer to everything, but it creates a climate of security in which we can seek answers to those things that bother us.
Love languages come from a book by Gary Chapman, who describes five different ways that couples can express and experience love.
According to Chapman, there are five love languages which are the vital keys that unlock the secrets of love that last.
They include Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch.
Among all the five love languages stated by Chapman, your partner will surely possess one out of them all which will be his/her primary love language.
Although your partner’s love language may be more than one, you will still be able to determine his/her primary language.
In most cases, your love language might be different from your partner’s. But understanding the different types will help couples take the guesswork out of their partners’ expectations and needs.
The Five Love Languages
The key to learn the primary love language of your spouse and choose to speak it are the joy and gladness of every couples. Here are the compilation of the Five love languages and how you can discover your love language and your partner’s own
1. Words Of Affirmation
Feeling appreciated is one of our deepest human needs. So words of appreciation mean a lot to us. Word of affirmation, as one of the basic love languages, expresses love with words that build up your partner. Verbal compliments don’t have to be complicated; the shortest and simplest words of affirmation can be the most effective.
If your partner prefers receiving love via words of affirmation, then they really value hearing words like ‘I love you’; ‘You look good!’; ‘That was a lovely meal!’; ‘That dress looks incredible on you’; ‘You always make me laugh’; ‘I love your hair today’; ‘I love your smile’ and many more.
Word of affirmation is using words to build up the other person. For example, “thanks for
taking out the garbage.” Not – “It is about time you took the garbage out. The
flies were going to carry it out for you.” Negative or insulting comments cut especially deep, and aren’t easily forgiven.
“if a person’s primary love language is words of affirmation, your words will be like rain falling on a dry soil. Nothing will speak more deeply of your love than words of affirmation,” Chapman said.
2. Acts Of Service
This love language expresses itself by doing things that you know your spouse would like. For instance cooking a meal, doing the laundry, setting or clearing the table, making the bed, cleaning, getting the kids ready for school, picking up the groceries, maintaining the car are all acts of service. They require some thought, time, and effort, if all this are done with a positive spirit, they really are expressions of love.
Because if your spouse’s love language is acts of service, then actions really do speak louder than words.If you speak words of affirmation to this person such as “I love you” “I admire you” they will likely think and perhaps say, “”if you love me, why don’t you do something to help me around the house?
Maybe your wife likes working in the garden. She will definitely feel more loved if you help her occasionally. For people whose preferred love language is acts of service, lending a helping hand shows you really care.
People who prefer this language don’t cope well with broken promises or laziness. They have very little tolerance for people who make extra work for them. So if you are not willing to show your love for them by doing them a favour, they feel you are saying you don’t value them.
According to Gary Chapman in his book he said “if your partner primary love language is acts of service, then washing the car, mowing the grass, helping around the house is precisely what makes them feel loved. The key to loving this person is to find out what things they would like you to do. then so them consistently”
3. Receiving Gifts
For some people what makes them feel most loved is to receive a gift. The gift communicates “He was thinking about me.” Don’t mistake this love language for materialism. It just means that a meaningful or thoughtful gift makes them feel appreciated and loved.
Almost everything ever written on the subject of love indicates that at the heart of love is the spirit of giving. All five love languages challenge us to give to our spouse, but for some, receiving gifts, visible symbols of love, speaks the loudest.
So if your partner’s preferred love language is receiving gifts, meaningful and thoughtful presents are how they feel appreciated. It doesn’t matter how much they cost. What is important is that the gifts show that you remembered them.
What if you discover that your partner’s preferred love language is receiving gifts, but you are not a gift giver? Someone who hardly ever received gifts as a child, and never learned how to choose one? Then you and your spouse speak different love languages. Now you have a second language to learn! receiving gift is one of the easiest love languages to learn.
According to Gary Chapman n his book titled The five love language he said “The best gifts are those that you know will be appreciated. To give her a fishing rod when she does not enjoy fishing will probably not communicate your love very well. How do you find out what the other person would like to receive? You will ask questions and you make observations.”
4. Quality Time
Quality time means giving someone your undivided attention not just watching the same movie together. Quality time means being close, with no distractions. No television, no smartphones or any other distractions whatsoever, looking at each other and talking together. It means sitting on the sofa, just the two of you. Or taking a walk together, going out for a meal, or having a long and deep conversations.
Time is a precious commodity. We all have multiple demands on our time, yet each of us has the exact same hours in a day. We can make the most of those hours by committing some of them to our spouse. If your mate’s primary love language is quality time, he or she simply wants you, being with him/her, and spending quality time.
Your undivided attention is hugely important to a partner who’s preferred love language is quality time. Focusing on them means they will feel satisfied, comforted and content in the relationship. Only half listening to them, distractions, or postponed dates are deeply resented and hurtful to your partner.
According to Gary Chapman he said “couples who go to a restaurant and never talk to each other have not spoken the language of quality time. They have simply met their physical need for food. Quality time says ‘I’m doing this because i want to be with you.’ Whether you are planting a garden together or going on a camping trip, the ultimate purpose is to spend time with each other. For some people, nothing makes them feel more loved than quality time.”
5. Physical Touch
Physical touch is a hugely important way of communicating emotional intimacy. Research indicates that babies, for example, who are held, stroked and kissed develop far better than those who are deprived of physical contact.
Physical touch is also a powerful way of communicating love in a relationship. Holding hands, kissing, embracing and sexual intercourse are all ways of communicating your love to your partner. When physical touch is your primary love language, you feel unloved without it. With it, you feel secure.
What if you realize that your partner’s preferred love language is physical touch, but you didn’t grow up in a ‘touching family.’ Try sitting closer together as you watch TV. Touch your spouse as you walk through the room. Hug and kiss when you leave the house and again when you return.
According to Gary Chapman, he said “Every culture has appropriate and inappropriate touches between members of the opposite sex. Appropriate touch is loving. Inappropriate touch is demeaning. To the person whose primary love language is physical touch, nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate touch.”
How To Discover Your Love Language
Chapman suggests that to discover another person’s love language, one must observe the way they express love to others, and analyze what they complain about most often and what they request from their significant other most often.
He theorizes that people tend to naturally give love in the way that they prefer to receive love, and better communication between couples can be accomplished when one can demonstrate caring to the other person in the love language the recipient understands.
Here are the three approaches to help you discover your own primary or most preferred love language.
1. Observe Your Own Behaviour
How do you typically express love and appreciation to other people? If you are always patting people on their back or giving them hugs, then your primary love language may be Physical Touch. If you freely give encouraging words to others, then Words of Affirmation is likely your love language. If you are gift giver, then perhaps what you desire is Receiving Gifts.
If you enjoy having lunch or taking a walk with a friend, then quality time is probably your love language. If you are always looking for ways to help people, then Acts of Service may well be your love language.The language you speak is most likely the language you wish to receive.
2. What Do You Complain About
In any human relationship, what is your most common complaint? If you complain that people don’t help you, then Acts of Service is likely your love language. If you say to a friend or your partner, “We don’t ever spend time together,”then you are requesting for quality time. If your partner goes on a business trip and you say “You didn’t bring anything?”you are revealing that Receiving gifts is your primary love language.
If you say “I don’t think you would ever touch me if i didn’t initiate it,” you are saying Physical Touch is your love language. If you complain, “I don’t ever do anything right,” your compliant indicates that Words of Affirmation speak deeply to you. The complaints reveal what you most like to receive from other people or your partner.
3. What Do You Request Most Often
If your partner is leaving on a business trip and you say, “Be sure and bring me a surprise,”you are indicating that Gifts are important to you. If you say, “Could we take a walk together this evening?” you are requesting Quality Time.
However, if you ask for a back rub most times, you are revealing that Physical Touch speaks deeply to you. If you often ask people to do things to help you, Acts of Service is likely your love language. When you ask “Did i do a good job?” you are requesting Words of Affirmation.
Observe how you most often express love and appreciation to others; list your complaints and requests, and you will likely be able to determine your own primary love language. It will be obvious that learning to speak a love language other than your own will take effort.
The person who did not grow up receiving words of affirmation may find it difficult to give them. The person who grew up in a family that was not “touchy-feely” will have to learn to speak the language of physical touch. The good news is that all of these languages can be learned and the more you speak them, the easier they become.